A new leaf.

So, this weekend was really enlightening to me. Really, really enlightening to me.

Fabians family's friend (Jannette) passed away 2 weeks ago. She was an excellent person all over. She was kind and always SO nice to me. We met several years ago when Fabe and I started to become more serious. Then, more recently she would 'nag' us about not being married and she went as far to offer to do us a wedding reception at the Jamiacian Association in Edmonton. Anyhow, she was also a nurse at the hospital close to my house. When I went with clients (previous job) or more recently with Amanda she was there. I just saw her in May. She found out she had cancer in middle of July and she died the end of August. She was in her 50's and leaves her husband of many many years as well as her 2 adult boys. She was a very classy lady. Beautiful too! We found out she passed away the day we got back from the lake. Fabe's dad came over to tell him/us. Fabian's family immigrated to Canada with them from England. They have been very close, she was Aunty Jannette. Anyhow, we attended her BEAUTIFUL service Saturday. Then went to the graveside. Then they had an amazing reception for her...sit down dinner and everything. I saw several of the Ob/Gyn's and nurses from her hospital there. It was just lovely to see how many people attended her service ( a few hundred). Anyhow. THIS was a wake up call for Fabe and I. We have not been involved with 'those' people like we use too. We use to go there for Mother's Day dinners, Christmas, Easter's,etc. Our children have been missing out on their culture. We have missed them all so very much. It was heartbreaking when her husband pulled Fabe and I aside and said that Jannette told him in August that she hadn't seen us for years and she wondered why...we felt like utter shit. No one knew Kennedy was recently in the hospital. If they had, they would have come. Due to Fabe's dad screwing stuff up in the family we hadn't wanted to partake in those events because Fabe was uncomfortable. People didn't recognize him, yet they knew his brother perfectly well. Some of his 'extended' family knew that we had a boy, but never even knew Kennedy was born. NO ONE knew of her CF. Its just horrible. I feel like a piece of shit. Fabe cried so so so much Saturday, he wishes he would have been around more. I told him we don't know who is going to die...but we need to make an effort to be around more now...so we don't ever feel like this again. So we told everyone and anyone there, ANY celebrations, events, etc...we want to be invited and we WILL come. No more not being around. Its just crazy. We missed out on so much...everyone treats me so good (I was one of the few white people) but they don't care about my color...

After her reception, we went to another couples house for a block party they had already had planned before her death. Everyone was going over there after, so we went...we haven't seen this couple for years either...they live 8 mins from us :o(

Sunday, I was so happy! My dad called...he was in town. Sadly, Fabe's mom is in the hospital for 'trauma' related stuff...(they moved, the dealth, etc, etc, things not dealt with) and so we took the kids to go see her for a few hours. Then we dropped the kids off at my dad's hotel...they swam and hung out with grandpa for a few hours...we had told everyone we would go to another ladies house for a slideshow on Jannettes life...and supper. We visited for many hours, didn't get the see the slideshow...or eat supper..as I told dad we would be back by 6 pm to visit with him and then get them home for bed (school next morning) but we just had time to reconnect with everyone. It was SO nice. Fabe was super happy, he was telling me 'this is how it was in the old days' everyone sitting in someones house, making food, the kids running around, visiting, happy and just relaxed. He was so happy. Then we got back to dads hotel, chatted with him for a long time. It was just SUCH a nice weekend.

I have a prespective on things. I get all worked up in people who feel they can say/do things to me, but it really hurts when they do it. Yet, they don't care. I KNOW that I am nice person. I know I am more caring then many others. I know I am quiet and often come across as stuck up/snotty but if people would take the time to get to know me before assuming what I am...then they would see. I didn't put alot of time aside for many others, but I am going to now. I'm going to do more to be a better person. I'm tired of caring what others think of me, everything I do is going to benefit me. I want to die, knowing I was the BEST person that I could be. Everyone who spoke up at Jannette's funeral said one common thing...she was a caring person. Not a 'nice' person, not a hard worker, not a great mothers (all of these she was) but in the end...that doesn't matter. It only matters that you cared about others. I am use to being a helper. Fostering, social worker, etc...I'm not doing that anymore. Sure, I am caring for my children. And a caring wife to my husband, but there are people who need help out there. I'm going to get to them...I'm not sure yet...but I WILL.

So for anyone who has formed opinions about me, yet you haven't met me...then I challenge you to get to know the real me. I'm up to meeting anyone. If you need help with anything (during school hours) let me know. I will help you clean, watch your kids, be a shoulder to cry on, come hang out for the day, etc....

And if you have already decided that you think you know me, and you have chosen to 'knock me off the list' then I'm really sorry for the person you never took the time to get to know. Its usually the people who you think that you will not connect with, are the ones who you connect the most with...

And if you have met me, and have decided to not bothering to get to know me more...then I hope whatever impression I may left you isn't one thats a negative one...I can only strive to be the best person I can be.

With ALL of this said, you will be hearing about the ways that I'm trying to reconnect to the world again...as I was a MUCH happier person when I was the helper and connected...it will be ways that I haven't helped before...(maybe) but whatever it is..as long as its helping somoene...I am willing to try it.

Anyhow, I hope I don't sound like a person who has completely lost it...

Tara