update....-

Well life is still hectic. On Wenesday morning Kennedy woke up with tummy pains. This is not something new for us, as she has chronic tummy pains and especially in the mornings. So she continued on with her regular routine of getting ready in the morning but the more she moved around the more she was in pain. Like pain-pain. I (of course) said that she can stay home for the morning and we will see how she is doing by the afternoon. So I packed her up and off we went to the daycare. She didn't look well so I assumed that she had a flu. So, I made her a bed at the daycare and I went on with my work there. She slept and played her ds. By 11am she felt like she would be able to do lunch. So she ate her thermos of lunch and quickly puked it up. While she was up and about she was doubled over in pain, crying. I got her to lay down, and she slept again. She woke up at 2pm and felt hungry and had a handful of peas in a pod. Fast, she threw them up again. She was walking to the bathroom to puke but wasn't even able to walk as she was in SO much pain. We went to the bathroom and I noticed TMI her puke was pure bile. I called the CF clinic and luckily it was clinic day so they got us in. We headed over to the U of A and saw our doctor who immediately said he was admitting her. There was no beds, so he sent us to emergency. We got to emerg, along with the CF nurse. We got checked in, saw the doctor who said she was just constipated and ordered an enema. He waved off the lump that concerned our doctor and the fact it was unreal pain for her. However in a hospital bed, not moving too much she was fine. She had soup, and kept it down. So they let us out (after the one enema) on our way out the door...the pain began from walking...the doctor saw this and stopped us and said that he would like to do another enema. So we did that. Nothing passed. It didn't do anything. We finally left. We went to bed at 11pm and Kennedy woke me up and 4am complaining about her tummy and said she 'felt like crap'. So I got up with her, got her settled into bed again. 4:30am I could hear her puking in the bathroom. She was in so much pain. Fabe couldn't believe the pain she was in. We made her a bath at 5:30am to try to help the pain. She was puking so much and screaming in pain. I left a message for the CF staff again. They called at 9am (after hours of pain and puking) and they were SO mad that we even got sent home. Our cf dr called me, and heard her in the background. He said that she has an obstruction and to get back to emerg and he was going to walk down there himself and tell them she needs to be treated. So we went there again...we got there at 9:30am. We SAT in emerg for hours and hours...she was in pain and puking there but a little with resting in bed. She slept on and off. Finally we had an ultrasound...and then sat again down in emerg. It was brutal!!!!! At 5:30pm they did an IV. Then at 10:30pm they said that she has 400 mls of this drink to drink every hour. I was SO pissed off that they wanted us to start this NOW at this time of night after sitting there ALL day doing nothing. I was soooooo mad. She drank the first glass and puked it up. Her pain was totally increasing. They finally ended up attemping to put an NG tube in. She was FREAKING out, and they stuck it into her lung. It was HORRIBLE to see this. She was trying to breathe and choking and coughing..it was sooooooooooo horrible. They took it out and left us for a while longer. At midnight they came in with another nurse who put it in and she was great and gentle and took the time to talk to Kennedy and calm her down. It went in and the fluid began going in. But her pain was just unreal. She was so tired. She would fall fast asleep and then wake up 7-9 mins later in pain. It was like contractions. It was brutal. This went on, and I requested pain meds....they came in with liquid tylenol. I was like 'what will this do for her? she is in extreme pain!!" Soon 4 am came (24 hours up for the both of us!) and she was done. She was saying things like "I don't think I will make it mommy!" and stuff like that...she was in soooooo much pain. Finally I went out to the dr and told him to give her something...he said he would look into it. Another hour went by and he knew full well that she was in so much pain as his desk was right outside of our room. I went out there, bawling....and told him that I was going to loose it. I told him, that no one should have to undertake that amount of pain and not have anything for it. I told him she is puking non stop and that the tylenol would do nothing for her anyhow. Finally, I told him to get her something now. The nurse came in with Morphene by her IV. It knocked her rightout....we slept from 5:30am-7:45am until they moved us upstairs. Up there, we couldn't sleep either as the nurses on the ward did the admission forms and then the dr's came in and blah blah blah. I was soooooo done. She passed some small amount of 'stuff' but the pain remained a little bit but NOTHING like before. I think the pain meds helped her bowel to relax as well. My dr had already consulted surgery to see us, thank GOD we didn't have to do that. I thought for sure we were going to have too, as it was 'that' bad. I have never seen her (or any other child) in that much pain. And Kennedy has a high pain tolerance. She lives with tummy pains all of the time. It takes ALOT for her to be 'sick'. Cf has never kept her down....ever.

We choose to leave Friday night. They told us a few days in there, but once things started to pass we signed out early.

Saturday my sister was down. But I went shopping for the day with a friend. I needed to buy some Christmas stuff and some clothing. I miss my Christmas stuff so bad. I had all of the "Baby's First Christmas" and stuff from when I was little. I had beautiful stuff for Christmas. I prided on my stuff. Actually I miss my kitchen stuff too, alot. There is just so much that I miss. Shopping was really hard on me. Again, something that I use to enjoy. But it was so hard. Every item reminded me of the things that we had. Sure, its things that can be replaced. But even the feeling I got from those things, seeing those things or the smell of those things. I never realized that I loved my house so much. The other day, I walked through the house. It really really depressed me and I haven't been back there since...about a week ago now. I went upstairs to all of the rooms...it is just so sad. I was in my room and I just thought that if that lady wasn't with me, I would love to crawl into my bed and get under those blankets and just enjoy the feeling of 'home'. The feeling of trusting the house...feeling totally safe in there. I was thinking about when we first built that house. It took me about 2-3 years to get past the feeling of being scared in there. And it was a huge milestone being able to stay there while Fabe was in training in Calgary and then again in Salt Lake City. It will take me a long time to be use to this house....then we will move back over there then I have to trust a house again...this is years of my life. I've now been a victim of a break in (while home) and now a house fire (while home). I use to not be able to sleep due to scared of someone breaking in...but now I'll be scared of that and a fire. I meet stupid odds, I really do. We are doing okay. The kids are adjusting well now. I think I am okay. Today I thought about the pictures that I dont have from camping this summer. What a waste on scrapbooks. I had to peel pictures out of my pretty scrapbook pages of the kids...they are cut to suit certain pages but now they are just pictures. At least I have them, I know...but its a tiny pile...compared. I went to Old Navy to buy some clothes tonight and saw Micheals store. A place I use to love and loooooved walking about in there thinking about the scrapbook stuff. I had recently bought a whole bunch of the things there for scrapbooking as I knew that I would be at home and more time to do it. I lost ALL of my books too...I had a pretty good collection of them.

Anyhow, I think that I am doing okay. I have been working on the daycare lots now....and its looking really great. Its very nice. We are very very close of being all done. Come January we will be busy with that. We have so much to do...everyday we figure out something else that we need to buy. At least I have more then 3 pairs of pants now.

Tomorrow night Kennedy and I are going to see Carrie Underwood. I'm very happy we did this. We both really need a night away to enjoy. Not a night of shopping and doing running around...

Mack had his 12th birthday party sleepover Friday night...I at least got to be there for a while. He had a great time...

Anyhow, thats the update for now...hopefully there is no issue with blogger to post it as its a HUGE update...

And thank you so very very very very much to every single of one of you...you have given of yourselves to us....in this time of need. I'm not a good taker, at all. I don't like to take help. I like to help. Its been very hard for me to accept help...but thank you for you who have given (material things) or given (supportive). It means so very much...I don't know what I would have without you guys!!! So thank you again....100000000 times...

Today was a bad day :o(

Today I had a really bad day. The morning was fine and good...but once I went to the house...our house...I was so sad. I just wanted to be there so badly. I saw some totes in the garage and I was so happy. I got permission from the supervisor (on the phone) to go into the garage and see the totes. I almost died when I saw Kennedys scrapbook all melted together...as one big hard lump. It was sooooo sad. I almost died. Then it only got worse when there was Mack's albums sitting in totes full of water. WATER! They did nothing but totally reassure me that MY pictures will be their TOP priority. I was so sad and mad. All of my albums are trashed. I bawled. It was soooooo upsetting. I held hope in those albums down in the basement but I didn't know that they would actually be burnt. We did manage to get some photos out of there...thankfully. Some of Kennedy's baby pics. But her NICU album...the ONLY pics I have of her first month of life was really soaked and bad. Its horrible having no control of your stuff. Then a guy on site, some 20-something year old told me 'you can't be here!" and I was taken back. I told him I spoke to Mike and he okay'd it. Actually, he okay'd it for us to enter into the house...as the floor was stabalized finally. But we didn't even make it that far. I started to load up the totes and a lady (working there) came over and told me I can't take anything from the house. I told her that I'm not going to have my pictures sitting there...soaking in totes full of water...and I will take them and dry them out myself. Then some guy, comes over to me...he was the site supervisor...and told me that they take the most care for pictures. I was confused...how do you claim to take such good care of photos when they are SITTING in water!!!??? I don't care about ANYthing else in the house...pictures. Thats all that I want. PICTURES! Then he said 'do you want my help or not?" I said 'no, I will do it myself!" and loaded them up. Then he came over and said "you know, we had a fire at a school-thats why we didn't get to your pictures yet!" I was so pissed off. A fire at a school...OVERNIGHT...a friggin portable. BIIIIG damn fricken deal. 400,000 damage. Wow, big crappen deal. Your telling *me* this? Like I shouldn't care about my life possessions? I should care about a stupid school portable. Sorry-not likely. My neighbors Rachel and Jennifer saw me so upset. I was telling them about it and the first little jerk guy...slammed his tool down and said "you know, can you stop nagging already?" I started BAWLING. My neighbors were taken back. I told him, you know I am not even talking to you and I am angry! I'm venting to my neighbors and not you! and he said "well God, shut up already!" I just wanted to hop the fence and slap his childish little face. I am ANGRY. I'm a BITCH. I told him maybe he should consider another job where he doesn't need to have compassion. I told him my house is gone and everything in it. Sorry, I don't agree with his crew raking the grass or sweeping the driveway...pick through my DAMN pictures and make themselves useful. Then he piped up and pointed to my face "do you know that I was here until 9pm the other night taking out 4 boxes of pictures for you?" My neighbor said "did you get paid for that?" and he said "yeah" she said "well then don't act like you are doing anyone a favor. thats your job...fire and water restoration!" and he said something else...HAD to have the last word. I finally said..your kidding me..your arguing with me..you saw the inside of my house...you know that we have NOTHING left and your sitting here trying to argue with me? Nice. It was a bad bad day. I was to the point that if they weren't going to go in, I would. But it would kill me. Fabe went upstairs today and said its really really bad. We didn't think it was 'that' bad. But he said "Tara, its really bad!" and took pics with his cell phone. I don't want to bother. I don't want to even look in there. I stood in the living room today and it was horrible. Just devastating. I keep asking myself if this is real? I can't believe that my house is burnt down. Soon, they will just bulldoze it. My baby. My everything. What I would give to crawl into that bed. Or sit down and scrapbook in my room. How I had it so organzied and set up. All of the hours that I enjoyed scrapbooking. Its just so so sad. I dont' know if I will scrapbook anymore. Honestly. It feels like this pit in my stomach will never let up. I can't look back to the blog of house stuff. It will break my heart and its already broken. My mom called in the midst of this all. She knew that I was bawling...she came over. She saw the burnt stack of pictures...she saw the unidentifiable things...things that I don't even know what they are or where they came from. Just moulds of plastic melted together.

Today I got a great package...it had lunch kits. It made me cry even seeing those. The kids have been taking Walmart bags! And Freezer packs! Just perfect!!!! The kids were super happy! Everyone has been great. Yesturday they got some gift cards for their favorite stores. Makes me feel happy that people have thought about what they like...thank you to all...honestly. Stuff is nice, but thoughts are great too! I'm happy to think that they will have clothing in their closets now...and posters for their walls...lunchkits for their lunches..Kennedy had 18 Webkins from her last hospital stay in June...only 5 months ago was she in there. And I thought about how horrible life was back then...stuck in the U of A for 2 weeks. That was horrible enough...but still this is nothing compared to that. What a bad year it has been for us. Really...I'm going to be happy to get rid of this year....Kennedy was so sick...then the unplanned pregnancy, then losing the baby, then the fire..so much in only 5 months. Then I wonder, what did I do to deserve this? Why me? Why us? I try to be a good person, I really do. I hurt when people are hurting...I am sad when people are sad...I really try to help people when I can. I dont get it. Why me....

Anyhow, tomorrow we are suppose to get furniture...we'll see. I'm worried about sleeping in a house. But I will be happy to get out of here!!! the kids seem better...they are scared though too. I guess time will tell.

Friday.

I use to be so happy whenever Friday came around. This weekend is not going to be a happy one...we will try to keep ourselves busy. We have the keys to the house already but since we don't have any furniture yet we cannot move in. Its so annoying. We are stuck in this stupid hotel room. Its a room (tiny) with 2 double beds. All it has is a bar fridge. We have to live out of this room. Making the kid's lunches is not easy with only a tiny fridge to store stuff. I keep forget to buy some freezer packs. And the poor kids are using Walmart bags for lunchkits. I feel so sad for them. Ugh. I drove by the house last night. I worked at the daycare all day on trying to get that up and done...so much to do there too. We are hoping to have it all finished painting this weekend. We have too. Our goal is to open Jan 1st so there is SO much to do...and buy. Our house, its so sad going there. I bawled uncontrollably while I was there last night. Bandit knows our street and he was soooo happy to be going 'home' but when he jumped out of the car and couldn't get into the area, as the fence is all the way around the property. It was sad. He just wants more then anything too, to be at home. The feeling is so horrible. Like a death. Something you constantly think about and miss. Just the things that we took for granted. The feeling of pulling into the garage and walking in the front door...feeling like 'ahhhh, I'm home'. Or the warmth of the fireplace burning in the livingroom. Just so much. I hate this feeling. Buts its a horrible one, feeling like all of your most important belongings are gone. Things you worked so hard to buy, things you thought about 'should we buy it?" we JUST bought our new bedroom furniture only a few months ago. We finally finished the bedroom. And it looked so good. Painting my house was a horrible chore..but it was so worth it. I was so proud of my accomplishment and it was something we have been saying for so long that we needed to do, and I finally did it. I picked each color...3 different colors. Ugh.

Today the carpets are getting cleaned at the new rental house. Its a beautiful house too. And it will be fine. Its very secure. But not a fenced backyard...and an alley runs back there. I will be anxious about that. But once it snows and I can see footprints I will feel better. But its has security cameras and motion detectors that tell you if/when something is back there. So it should be okay. Its a home. We are frusterated that our stuff could be possibly saved and no one is taking it out!!! They were working on making the basement beans safer as they all burnt and the kitchen floor and hallway is very unsafe....a fire fighter fell through. We have a HUGE hole in the middle of our kitchen....therefore that house is off limits to anyone until the floor is more safe to walk on. Then they said they will take out what they can. I am soooo worried about my photoalbums and scrapbooks. I miss scrapbooking so much. I only finally bought the Cricut a few weeks ago...only used it 2 times since all the stuff going on prior to the fire was going on. But I had a few pages gone up, of our trip to Canmore and stuff like that done. I can't believe my pictures and albums might be all gone. They did take out a few from the living room...but thats all. Even our wedding picture was really damaged. I know things can only get better from here but I don't see an end in sight. I always have a feeling of saddness. I always feel so down. I hardly take calls anymore. I can't bear to talk to anyone. I break down too much.

Yesturday, some wonderful people gave us stuff. Its amazing how much people come together in times like this. Especially people that dont really know you. Giving things, sending a daily message to say they are thinking of you, cards, etc....its wonderful to know. 5 days ago we lost everything that meant anything to us...and peoples lives goes on...but ours has done nothing but stand still...I hope to be happy again...

What a horrible life I have....

Just a few days ago I was so excited about my new opportunity as a daycare owner. The next day, Nov 1st I worked from 8am-11pm on my new daycare. The whole family was there and things were so much fun. We returned home at 11pm and Fabe and Mack went up stairs. I let the dog out, Kennedy warmed up a Boost. Fabe and I watched tv for a little while in bed, in our room while Mack was on his computer in his room. Kennedy was laying in her bed watching tv. Just before 12am we put the kids to bed and turned off the tv ourselves and went to bed. We planned to be at the daycare early the next day to work, work and work some more. At about 3am I woke up to a weird crackling sound. I layed there listening for a while and noticed our house seemed rather light...for that time of the night and the sound was only getting louder and louder...I immediately woke up Fabian and told him someone was doing 'something' to our windows downstairs. He grabbed his glasses and took off downstairs and began to scream 'get out of the house, get out of the house!!!" and I thought someone was in there...I went to the stairwell and noticed the amber lights on the side window. I clued in...a fire!!!!! I told Fabe to get the kids, and I ran back to the room and called '911'. I was on the corded phone in our bedroom on the upper level...Fabe went out with the kids...the 911 operator was insisting that I remain on the phone, I was arguing with her "My house in on fire, I'm upstairs...I have to get out!" she was saying I needed to remain on the line...I heard the fire alarms sounding...in the house and I knew that I needed to get out...fast...I was telling her this when the alarm system cut into the phone line...I ran down the stairs to the front door and my living room was covered in flames...I got outside and Mack was in his boxers and Kennedy in a nighty. Fabe passed me Bandit and we noticed that the fire was spreading to the fence and up the house....I told Fabe to go wake up the neighbors....the kids were screaming outside...which woke up the majority of the immediate neighbors...suddenly the fire jumped the fence and went right to the neighbors house...fabe got them out...just in time!!!! He went to Rachels house (other side of us) to wake her up as she was there with her kids and her dh out of town. Fabe was only in his boxers too. Me, I was in a tiny pair of shorts with one of Fabe's tanks tops. It was cold too! We watched helplessly as our house...the one we built only 4 yeas ago burnt. And there was nothing we could do about it. Fabe's quick thinking got the propane, gas and other accellerants out of the garage. Our block was full now, I was screaming "WHERE IS 911?" as we watched the fire gut our home...and then the neighbors...Fabe was crying, sobbing uncontrollably..I called my mom...and told her...woke her up...screaming...she immediately came down...got the kids...the kids were a wreck..she took them and the dog. It was horrible....the worst possible thing you can think about happening. The police and fire invertigators told us to come to the van to talk...we could only leave our house...burning...and later the room falling in....we were in complete shock...neighbors dressed us...piece by piece...it was so sad. So, surreal...just something that I thought that I would never be faced with....it just doens't happen to us.

That was only 3 days ago, and as I recall this...my teeth are chattering....and I'm shaking. I still can't believe it. We literally left with the (neighbors) shirts on our backs...not even our own shoes...just horrible. The house that I just love so much. I can't bare to look at my blog from this summer...just the feeling that my house gave me...so much joy. I was proud of my home...I worked hard to buy each thing. I placed each item 'just so' it was my pride and joy maintaining such a nice home. One that I was proud of. Then there is the things that I can't replace...the kids pictures, the scrapbooks I made...the many many albums of the kids from babies to now...this past summer album of all of our camping trips...its just sooo sad. Since the fire, no one has gone in. A fire investigator fell through the kitchen floor, as the fire entered through the dryer vent and went into thebasment..where my scrapbooking stuff is..some parts of the house are 'so good' and I can't wait to have those items back...but other items I will never ever see again :o( and it breaks my heart. That feeling of 'my bed' being so comfy and warm...knowing I will never ever again sleep in my bedroom. The bedding in Kennedys room since she was 2 years old...gone. Her procedure bear...from a nurse when she was born...she took that bear everywhere when she had bloodwork or whatever...every single hospital stay the bear 'teddy' was there. As soon as we got outside from the fire...she was screaming for her Teddy....she knew she needed it. Mack loved his room, as most preteens do. He had it set up just as he loved it...but its all gone. He even left without his glasses...that we just bought...

But we all got out safely. Yes, I'm grateful for that. But I'm missing my house so much. All of the years of gathering stuff. All of my Christmas stuff...all of the things we shopped so cautiously for...deciding on where each item willbe. I loved dispplaying all of our travel stuff...gone...the Cuba man and lady I bought that I so much loved....gone...everything..gone. The things I have been saving since I was a little girl...my childhood diaries..my children's first outfits...the papers from their birthdays...ugh...so much...how do you get past that???

We are at a hotel now. Its been yucky. We had no clothes. We bought some. Plus, we got Mack some contacts and then ordered another pair of glasses...we each have a few outfits now...not nearly enough yet...but its better then the jammies we left with.

Things are hard. We cry so much in a day....I hate this life....I really do. I took my house for granted...

I loved that house...

The fire investigaton is now over. We thought it was arson..but it was the power. I'm sure it will turn into a big investigation...its nice to know someone wasn't trying to kill us! But will we ever sleep again, soundly???

We rented a house, its around the same area...so thats nice. I'm scared to sleep there. Up there. No windows on the side of the house...that side window could have saved our lives...ugh...

Anyhow, lifes been complete and utter hell...I can't see being happy anytime soon. I just want to wake up, and be back to my life....I miss it soooo much...I miss cooking supper. I miss, the warmth....of my home. We designed that home. We put SO much effort into building it...we loved that house....