Glad Christmas is over with.

First off, I wish everyone a Merry Christmas. I was not at all into Christmas this year. I had purchased gifts ahead of time in our old house, thinking about getting ready for Christmas ahead of time. Then I had to rebuy stuff and just all of my beautiful Christmas stuff being gone..it was just too much. Thankfully we had the trip booked to Vegas. It was a true blessing. We had a great time. For the first time in almost 2 months, I was actually happy. Actually more then 2 months as I was sick with pregnancy all of Oct. Anyhow, it was a great getaway. We needed it more then we knew. We slept good. We enjoyed family time. It was hard the day we were leaving because we knew that we had to face reality again. For some reason, this house isn't 'home' for me yet. I mean it will take a while, I know that but still its not comfortable. I guess its because none of these things in this house are ours. Its weird. We have no attachment to this stuff or this house. Anyhow, I still dont' sleep good in here. I was thinking since we slept so well in Vegas maybe we should have opted out of renting this house and just stayed in a hotel suite the whole time but I know this is better. I feel for the kids. Especially Kennedy who is an outside kid...days like today when its nice out she would be playing with ALL of the neighborhood kid but instead she is here, inside. The summer will be harder for her since she use to be out 9am-9pm. But we will see...I wish it would feel better soon. I didn't take one picture on my camera the whole trip. I'm so so angry about my scrapbooks still. My mom bought me a scrapbook kit and I think I will return it. I'm just so mad that my hard work and my pride is gone. I did get back quite a few pictures but still....I'm not sure what to do with them. My sister suggested putting them into photoalbums but they are cut as they were scrapbooked at one time. *sigh*

I'm feeling pretty down, to be honest. I just don't know what else to do. I am soooo thankful that we are all safe. I 'get' that. But I'm just so sad. I hate feeling like this. My dad was telling me in time it will feel better and we will be happy again...but man..2 months is a long time to be so sad. It hurts everyday. Its a loss, and I know I'm still greiving the loss of my house. I wish I could do something to get over this. Not even to have my house back, but just to feel better soon. I'm so scared to sleep here, I'm worried I will sleep too well and not wake up in case something happens, I wish the fire didn't happen while we slept. I was going to ask my dr for something to help me sleep but I know I won't be able to take it...for fear that I won't wake up. I know the idea of another fire happening to us is rare..but still you never know. It could take a neighbors house and then ours...this yard isn't fenced, what if someone starts a fire to this house? Ugh...its horrible...absolutely horrible living in fear. I fear so much now...its stupid. I wish I can go back to me. I miss me so much...my life was so good. I looked at pictures of my blog from last summer...the yard and inside the house pictures...I already forget some of the things about that house...and I don't want to forget it. I still can't believe I will never ever be in that house again...

I know my posts are just a repeat of what I have already said. But I still feel like this. What else CAN I do? How can I move forward...just with time everyone tells me...time will make it better. I don't want to be stuck here in this spot anymore...I 'want' to move forward...

I'm going to go ahead with counselling for me...and the kids. Kennedy needs it...she cries often about missing the house, and bawls instantly when she sees pictures of the house...its heartbreaking...she doesn't understand why bad stuff happens to us....I try to tell her how good of a life we have...but she ends up talking about she's the only one who has to take enzymes in her glass and she hates it and hates having CF and its bad...and then the house. She's feeling sorry for herself...and I can't blame her. At least in the end, we have our health...she fights to breath most days...its not fair. Really, its not.

Anyhow. Fabian's brother has the kids at a movie. Which is really good...Fabe and I are relaxing...the hosue is a mess. We need to go buy some totes to put our Christmas stuff away in....start the whole collection again. Its good to see the kids with stuff in their rooms again...it makes them feel better...

I am looking forward to a New Year...I look forward to the joy of getting that excitement of building a new house...hopefully we feel excited...I look forward to putting this incident behind us...and thinking about other things besides the 'house, the house'...and I hope that we have a happy year...and hopefully getting my memory to be better as I can't remember anything anymore...its horrible but I have been told its a side effect of severe trauma...hopefully it gets better...but I really hope that 2009 is a good year for us...I am hoping to volunteer somewhere on a regular basis...not sure where but I need to do something 'helpful' again...

I was sad to hear about another house fire...Christmas day...very sad. House is gone...another family going through this again...ugh. So sad...every fire will hit me very hard. Firefighters were injured in this fire, thankfully they got out without major injuries...I still think about the Sherwood Park people too and I wonder how they are coping...verrrrry sad...

These days...

These days are going okay for us. I've been down for a little while, since I heard about the Sherwood Park fire. I was so sad to hear that more people are victims of fires. Its so sad knowing that out there, not far away are people feeling helpless...like we were feeling not long ago. I hate knowing that people are hurting like we were. I don't wish this to ANYone...not even my worst 'enemy' (which I don't have one) but still. I would never want anyone to go through this. Its horrible...but the first few days are the worst. The day it happened, early hours Sunday we were just in shock...but come that night and checking into a hotel..it was becoming too real. For the FIRST time in my whole entire life..staying in a hotel was 'home'...it was so hard knowing that we didn't have a home to go 'home' to when we checked out of the hotel. The feeling of having 'nothing' is a bad bad feeling.

I'm very very overwhelmed.....there is just so much going on in my life...I need a day off. Honestly.

1) the daycare, we have a open house tomorrow night. Means the daycare has to be completely perfect and clean and ready to go...then we run 3 more in the next week or so. So we have been trying to get that all done, which entails tons of shopping and putting stuff together and so on....its brutal.

2) Vegas. We booked it in May, for Christmas. Our passport (which they pulled out of our house) are water damaged. So much so that they won't let us travel with them. So, we went to reapply...and we couldn't because Fabe has to apply for a Canadian Citizen card again...(his was never found) so we had to do that...register mail it and get proof that we have sent it....so we did passport pictures...and then because our passports are damaged we had to swear in how they were damaged and fill out a Declaration of damaged passport form..which we needed a commissioner to sign....so we had to find one...ugh....

3) House stuff. We are battling with the insurance company....they want to keep the damaged foundation....and they want us to have quotes for building a new hosue...but no builders will build on a damaged foundation....or even on a repaired one. They have to completely replace 1 wall and reapir one other wall. Everyone says just to rip it all off and start from fresh....so we have been trying to find a hosue to build....under pressure. Its not 'fun' as we built the house we wanted....we dont' want to do this again.

4) I'm feeling really sad about sending Bandit to the kennel....really sad. He's been through SO much....and he will be so sad sitting in a kennel for 1 week :o(

5) Christmas stuff...I miss my decorations....all the 'babys first christmas' things we hung on the 'kids tree' all of their things they made...and yeah...just so much...

6) Christmas shopping.....not nearly where I should be....

7) I've been thinking about my scrapbooks and photos....I worked so hard on them...and they are gone :o( I loved making them...I loved all my pictures I took. I loved my scrapbook area....

So much.....its so hard to move on....